Why do I keep trying? Is it just because I live with him? I wish I could stop second guessing myself. I think of him with someone else and it makes me sick. But Iapos;ve always had that in relationships. Is it just natural possessiveness? He makes me so happy when things are good. I can be silly and childlike, not care what anyone thinks. But when heapos;s done itapos;s like heapos;s trying to gradually erode my self-esteem. Hand me love then take it away quickly again so I stay hungry, idolise me then say Iapos;m a whore and a drag.
I donapos;t know what to do.
Move back? Would they even let me? What about my counselling course? What if I get a job? What about the school work experience? Besides Iapos;m no more likely to find work there. And thereapos;ll be little or no internet so Iapos;ll be totally isolated. Not to mention the return to the constant angst and stress which Iapos;ll just have to stand back and watch.
I wish Miss Marple didnapos;t scare me, itapos;s so pathetic. Or maybe itapos;s just the episode with the scarred neck, someone pretending to be someone else. Itapos;s like that dream I always remember from when I was little. I was trapped, lost on a mountain and a helicopter pulled up beside me and for some reason it convinced me that it was my dad rescuing me. However I got in and then this fat red bearded man was there and, laughing, shouted "Iapos;m not your father". It scared me so much. And ever since Iapos;ve ended up encountering people pretending to be what theyapos;re not. My motherapos;s fakeness in company, H, M, R. Why is it unusual that I try so hard to be myself? Sometimes I think Iapos;m more sorted than anyone I know. Which is ridiculous.
Iapos;ll keep trying. I donapos;t know why, but this time against all the others things going wrong arenapos;t a relief and an excuse to get out of it. Theyapos;re something I work through, rise above and forgive. I feel so much more grown up.
"Never forget that in an unguarded moment you recognised yourself as a friend."
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